Warpath: Jurassic Park- PlayStation

Another day, another JP game. This one is "based" on Jurassic Park: The Lost World movie. You know, the worst one.

In this game you get to fight against other dinosaurs in arenas taken from the movie. That is pretty much it folks. One of the great things about this game is that you can eat passing goats/humans to replenish health. For the carnivores fine but for the ceratopsian dinosaurs it doesn't make much sense. Also, the game comes complete with a museum where you can check out all the battling beasties and learn all kinds of factoids about them. WARNING! Do not play this on a PS2 with the fast disc speed setting. It condenses all the narration in the museum mode. Well you could I guess.

Dinosauriness: Acrocanthosaurus, Albertosaurus, Ankylosaurus, Carcharodontosaurus, Cryolophosaurus, Giganotosaurus, Megaraptor, Pachycephalosaurus, Spinosaurus, Stygimoloch, Styracosaurus, Suchomimus, Triceratops and inevitably Tyrannosaurus rex.

Scientific Accuracy: The dinosaurs have all kinds of anatomy defying moves that they probably couldn't have used in real life. However, I have never extracted dino DNA from mosquitos in amber and mixed it with amphibian DNA to make dinosaurs so what the hell do I know about it? 6/10.

Buzz Bonus: Fighting through the levels and different opponents unlocks a host of extra characters and features. One such feature is exhibition match. We regularly set up exhibition matches, betting on which dinosaur is going to win. HOT TIP: Always bet on the Ankylosaurus FTW!

Pokémon!!

Yes! Readers of the other stupid thing I do on the internet will know that I am a bit partial to a bit of the Pokémon. I justify this to myself by claiming there be prehistoric creatures in them thar games. Or parodies of anyway. The above Pokémon and their pre-evolutions represent the first, second and third generation of prehistoric pokémon. From left to right we have Omastar (representing ammonites), Kabutops (representing trilobites), Aerodactyl (representing pterosaurs), Cradily (representing Crinoids many groups of which were mor eprevalent in ancient times), Armaldo (representing Anomalocaris, the prevolution is clearer), Relicanth (representing coelacanths for completeness) and Piloswine (representing mammoths). The fourth generation introduced the first true dinosaur critters, Rampardos (Pachycephalosaurs) and Bastiodon (Ceratopsian dinosaurs) are here on the left. Pokémon players must revive fossils that they find in the game to own these extinct pokémon (Swinub, Relicanth and Piloswine can be caught in the wild). The Pokémon series of games is famously a parody of biological organisms we find today and as fossils. Most of the major groups are represented (some to an agreeable level of accuracy).

Dinosauriness: (Parodies-of people!) Ammonites, Anomalocaris, Ceratopsian dinosaurs, Coelacanths, Crinoids, Mammoths, Pachycephalosaurus, Pterosaurs and Trilobites. I appreciate that crinoids and coelacanths are still around today but this is my website K?

Scientific Accuracy: Well. Once we get past the "not real animals" and the whole "reviving fossils" business I'd say 9.5/10. Yeah. 9.5/10.

Buzz Bonus: As you may know Pokémon can only say their own name or parts thereof. What evolutionary benefit this has no one knows but one person might be able to tell you. That person is OMASTAR!

Exciting Times!: UPDATED

Imagine my happiness when this game turned up in the post today:


Yes I don't know why Top Trumps has been turned into a DS game. What is the merit/advantage over the traditional pack of cards? But it does have dinosaurs in it. So expect a review in two hours when I have finished the Ubisoft shovelware.

Preview based on box art: 5/10. Too many dogs.

UPDATE: Having now played the game it is as nonsensical as it sounds and a bad game to boot. This version has no benefits over the traditional game (aside from the fact that you can't cheat, which may not be an advantage). The two player game is awful because for obvious reasons you can't see both cards so one player guesses which attribute they will win on until they lose then the second player does the same. The element of "I hope he chooses this one" is completely lost. Furthermore, in the one player tournament game you have to play through ten rounds in one sitting without the option to save the session after each round. Even furthermore still there is a quiz option but some of the quiz questions are a bit wrong. So questions like "How many Corythosaurus are on the Corythosaurus card?" create difficulty, firstly because, you can't see the pictures on the card very well and secondly because the answer (one) doesn't appear to be correct.

Review based on playing it for an hour too long: 5/10 too many dogs.

Jurassic Realm PC

Found in a Morrisons for £5 I could not not buy Jurassic Realm especially with these lovelies on the box art. At the same time, I also bought 101 Dino Pets but I'm saving that gem for a rainier day. Jurassic Realm is essentially the game jewelled but given a Jurassic Twist. I say "Jurassic Twist" but quite what handaxes have to do with the Jurassic is anyone's guess.
So the aim of the game is to get rid off the symbols by clicking on ones that are in rows or columns of three or more. Different "slime" and "dynamite" items help you to clear levels quicker by wiping out entire rows or by detonating and destroying symbols nearby. The reward for beating a level is that you get to go to a new level. If you manage to beat special levels within a time limit you get to unlock dinosaurs which you can check out on a rock or something. It's not a bad game and it's not really a dinosaur game. It's a puzzle game with a coat of dinosaur paint on it but it'll munch up and hour or two in the same way that spider or minesweeper might.

Dinosauriness: Lots of dinosaurs and non dinosaurs are unlocked as you progress through the levels. And there are lots of levels currently I have unlocked Dimetrodon, Lesothosaurus and Triceratops but there are still plenty more to unlock.

Scientific Accuracy: It's a tricky one to call. Being first and foremost a puzzle game, the scientific accuracy is kind of hard to measure. I mean what are you supposed to be? Either way the first wheel and handaxes are some of the symbols you have to destroy which, science currently has not discovered in the Jurassic. Or Dimetrodon either. Or Triceratops really. So not winning too many points here.

Buzz Bonus: Once again, Morrisons came up top trumps. I think they may have noticed that someone is buying up all the £5 dinosaur games so are stocking them on purpose. Fair enough I guess.

Jurassic ParkIII: The DNA Factor, Game Boy Advance

Perhaps the King of film to movie spin-offs Jurassic Park spawned yet another game conversion. Jurassic Park on the Mega Drive was classic (and impossible), Jurassic Park: Operation Genesis was nice and Warpath: Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park: Tresspaser have a cult following. Jurassic Park III: The DNA Factor is not so great. In fact this one is pretty much the worst one I've played so far. It's as if they weren't even trying. Gameplay is poor, storyline is non existent, characters are generic.

It's basically a side scrolling dodge em up (you can get a gun or some fruit to use as a lure but running past everything is by far the quickest route to success) and the player has to negotiate dangerous jungle and avoid dinosaurs to collect bits of DNA that fell out of a plane before it crashed on the island. You play as pilot Lori Torres or photographer Mark Hanson and you negotiate 12 levels to collect DNA which you then use in a mini "game" to get DNA sequences for dinosaurs. Except it's all a bit rubbish. The side scrolling parts are repetetive, annoying and bland. The recombining DNA game is easy. Which is a good thing because if you waste all of your DNA before you complete the sequence you have to start the level all over again.

Dinosauriness: I've yet to beat it but I imagine it's all the Jurassic Park lovlies. I'll get back to you on that one later.

Scientific Accuracy: There are no scientific mistakes in this game. It's all feesible and plausible. Just look at the DNA base on the log on the screenshot. That's what DNA bases look like when they fall out of planes on islands.

Buzz Bonus: The copy I purchased from Amazon was listed as "new". So I was surprised when it came through the door. True to the promise it was new and still sealed (with Comet security stickers intact) however it looked like a 10 year old child had been carrying the unopened box in his school bag since the game's release in 2001. Tat-o-rama. Although it doesn't affect the game play experience it did irk me. I was irked.